Your NBA Team’s Eighth Best Player May Save Your Ass.
What is your eighth-favorite flavor of ice cream? Butter pecan? You’ll eat it if offered to you, but you’ve never bought a pint of it in your life. They don’t even make pints of it—it only comes in impossible-to-close cuboids covered in ice crystals at the back of your parents’ freezer. The eighth-best player on your favorite NBA team sits in a similar spot—on the edge of the rotation if you’re lucky, smack in the middle of the starting lineup if you’re not. These crazy eights are the reason your team is contending for a championship, or why your coach is getting fired after yet another trip to the lottery.
Editors Note: We left Russell Westbrook as the eighth best on the Clippers because it proves how important the 8th man is. Every once in awhile, your eighth man is saving your ass. Ask the Clippers.
Eastern Conference
Milwaukee: Pat Connaughton
Pat’s nicknames are Vanilla Thunder and Planet Pat; let’s just go with Vanilla Planet and call it a day.
Boston: Grant Williams
If Grant Williams takes fewer than six shots a game, Boston wins roughly 98 percent of the time. It’s true, oh it’s damn true.
Philadelphia: Montrezl Harrell
Trez has made nine three-pointers in his regular-season career, and one more in the playoffs. Take the waaaay under on whatever total Philly Mike is giving you.
Cleveland: Cedi Osman
For years, the lovable fan favorite role in Cleveland was also expected to score 25 a game just to keep them afloat, but no more. All Cedi has to do now is hit a couple of threes, play some solid D, and wait for his spot in the next Head & Shoulders commercial.
New York: Obi Toppin
Obi Toppin sees the escape Aaron Gordon made out of Orlando onto a first-place team, and he tries to calculate just how far a jump it is from Manhattan to Milwaukee. Too far, my friend, too far.
Brooklyn: Joe Harris
We think Joe Harris hasn’t been traded yet. We don’t know, but we think…
Miami: Kevin Love
Picture it: Cleveland, 2014–the debate rages about whether it’s worth it to give up Andrew Wiggins for Kevin Love. Nine years later, the Miami Mauler lights a cigar, sips on a mai tai, and smiles.
Atlanta: John Collins
If Atlanta ever trades John Collins, I will eat my hat. With salt and pepper and everything. It’s on the interwebs, so it’s legally binding.
Toronto: Thaddeus Young
Thaddeus Young is 34 years old, which is NBA-old, but not LeBron-old, nor actual-old. Math is hard, yo.
Chicago: Andre Drummond
Sure, you could trade seven top-55 protected second-round picks for Andre Drummond, but will it make you happy? More importantly, will it make Andre Drummond happy? Ask yourself that before you start your wheeling and dealing, you scamp.
Western Conference
Denver: Christian Braun
You're not tricking me into thinking Christian Braun and Christian Bale are the same person again, internet, oh no--I've been down this road far too many times before.
Memphis: Steven Adams
The curse of appearing in a new commercial and having your performance go in the toilet rises exponentially if you've already been out and injured a few months before said commercial airs. Lily, on behalf of Steven Adams and Matthew Stafford, the Sports Illustrated cover curse thanks you for carrying on its burden.
Sacramento: Trey Lyles
Trey Lyles was born in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Do you know who else was born in Saskatoon? Rowdy Roddy Piper. I'm not listing the Rowdy One above Gordie Howe and Joni Mitchell, but I'm not not doing that, either.
Phoenix: Torrey Craig
Torrey Craig is very much in the running for being the most famous Torrey ever. Deft competition for the title is coming from musician Torrey Salter, who as noted on his Wikipedia page, "plays weddings and events throughout the town." While the town is not specified, I believe it to be Anytown, USA, where Salter can be heard playing his blend of Coldplay-influenced euphonia. What's that, you say? A euphonia is a bird, and not music. Birds are music, too, my friend, birds are music, too.
Clippers: Russell Westbrook
Mr. Westbrook never thought that he would be the eighth-best at anything he did in life, let alone playing basketball. He excelled at creating perfectly-sized ice cream scoops; he was a Scrabble maven; he played a killer kazoo. Age comes for us all, that cruel mistress of fate.
Golden State: Gary Payton II, Andre Iguadola
The existence of Gary Payton II implies the existence of Gary Payton I implies the existence of Gary Payton 0 implies the existence of Gary Payton -I. Negative Roman numerals don't usually exist, but for Gary Payton -I, we will make a very generous exception.
Lakers: Rui Hachimura
Rui Hachimura and Corey Kispert thought they would grow old together, having traveled across the country from Washington State to the District, sharing laughs and sodas along the way. Alas, the dream fell apart, as Rui was sent off to Los Angeles. Corey cried into his pillow the night he heard about the trade, but he knew they'd meet again. Definitely not in the Finals this year, but sometime.
Minnesota: Jaden McDaniels
It's tough during that point at the end of the season when fatigue sets in, when your legs grow heavy, when you hit a wall. Thanks, everyone--I'll show myself out now.
Oklahoma City: Jeremiah Robinson-Earl, Lindy Waters III
Folks, we here at Dimes and Daggers like to educate the masses. The Pickwick Papers was first serialized by Charles Dickens in 1836, 187 years ago. In the year 2210, another 187 years from now, names such as Jeremiah Robinson-Earl and Lindy Waters III will no longer be referred to as Dickensian, but rather keyandpeeleian (note: capital letters will no longer exist in 2210, nor will fossil fuels, most types of ice cream, and, for some reason, trousers).
Dallas: Kemba Walker (strictly by VORP lol)
I remember having vigorous debates on Facebook about what the Cavs should do with the first and fourth picks in the 2011 draft. I had just joined Facebook, and it seemed that that was exactly what the platform was built for. I was right about that. I argued that the Cavs should take Kyrie first and Kemba fourth, and proceed to run the rest of the league off the floor. What could have been...
Utah: Collin Sexton
The Donovan Mitchell trade was a winwinwinwinwinwinwinwinwinwinwin trade for all parties involved. Sexton's numbers are down across the board this year, but he gets to keep playing with Lauri Markkanen for years to come, so hey, things are good, right?
Portland: GP II
I like the idea of someone being the eighth-best player on multiple teams, like an all-time quarterback, but for the bench. GP II could wear one of those homemade split jerseys college parents wear when their kids are playing against each other, stealing the ball from himself in perpetuity until the universe ends.
San Antonio: Devonte' Graham
Graham scored 31 points in his debut with the Spurs. He set the bar unreasonably high for himself. "Why not 32 tomorrow?" asked Gregg Popovich. "Or 50? I like the number 50. I have fond memories of that number." Pop gazed off in the distance, trying to hold back
Houston: Frank Kaminsky
I'm rooting for Frank Kaminsky. No one's legacy should be "that guy who the Celtics tried to trade four first-rounders to move up for but couldn't." He's only the third Wisconsin Badger to have his jersey retired (I'd tell you the other two, but a good scavenger hunt is always fun, no?). Here's to you, Frank--may you stick around long enough in Houston to be the eighth-best player on a contender.
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