MVMB (Most Valuable Muppet Baby)
If you’ve ever seen NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, you’ve thought to yourself, “Yeah, I like him, but he’d be much better at his job wearing green-and-white striped socks and not having a face.” Someone has to be the adult in the room presiding over the chaos that is this NBA season, so let’s give that task to Silver as Nanny, that visageless overseer charged with the care of the candidates for MVMB (Most Valuable Muppet Baby).
1. Giannis Antetokunmpo (Kermit): Giannis is always the headliner, front and center of the lunchbox. The statues are already being carved.
2. Joel Embiid (Piggy): Loud and the center of attention, Embiid will do or say anything to keep the camera on him at all times. Secretly afraid of letting anyone get too close.
3. Luka Doncic (Fozzie): With his wide range of facial expressions, Luka is always set to entertain, even if it means getting a few tomatoes lobbed his way by a displeased referee or sixteen. After sorting through sidekick after mismatched sidekick (Porzingis, Kyrie), he finds himself singing “a table for one can be fun” more often than not.
4. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (Animal) : His drives are seemingly reckless, but SGA is the heartbeat of the show. Also had to leave Canada (Howie Mandel) to come stateside (Dave Coulier).
5. Jayson Tatum (Scooter): Cerebral with limitless potential, there’s nothing on the court that Jayson Tatum cannot do. Jayson Tatum solves problems. Jayson Tatum is both queen and king on the chessboard, a string of nat 20s landing on Boardwalk.
6. Jaylen Brown (Skeeter): Overshadowed by another family member, Brown is athletic, competent, and able to hold down the fort in case of emergency. May seek a spinoff next year, could be a sleeper hit (think New Girl meets Community meets Life on a Stick).
7. Donovan Mitchell (Rowlf): Smooth. Just smooth. Fun fact: Mitchell once played Heath Ledger’s role in “10 Things I Hate About You” off-Broadway; the show was forced to close after one performance, as the producers thought Mitchell’s star turn would be too damaging to Ledger’s posthumous reputation.
8. Nikola Jokic (Gonzo): A Serbian center, who was a second-round pick, who has already been named MVMB two times running, who is nearly averaging a triple-double, who can run a fast break and throw the prettiest post passes you’ve ever seen? Yeah, sounds like a weirdo to me, too.
9 and 10. De’Aaron Fox and Domantas Sabonis (Bunsen and Beeker): On separate teams, they never quite clicked, but as a pair these two cook up magic in the lab. The state of California is seeking a permanent injunction to keep the Kings from screwing this up in three years.
11. Jimmy Butler (Statler and Waldorf): Old-man game, does the work of two people most nights, always has to get the last word in.
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12. Steph Curry (Camilla): Small, talks too much, has someone bigger to look out for them. May or may not actually exist.
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