I Think You Should Leave…the NBA season with a smile.

While we’re in the midst of the NBA playoffs, let us not lose sight of another important event happening soon:  the release of season 3 of I Think You Should Leave on Netflix, happening on May 30th.  Thankfully, here at Dimes and Daggers, you don’t have to choose between the two–kick your feet up on that Odie recliner, grab yourself some fully loaded nachos, and get ready to say whatever the hell you want.  To celebrate this synchronicity, we’re looking back at the first two seasons of ITYSL and finding their concomitant NBA teams.  

Milwaukee:  “Which Hand”

That fat piece of Heat made a fool out of you, Bud.  They will not respect you, and they will teach the fans of Milwaukee to do the same.  You may have ten times the talent Miami does, but you wouldn’t know it by your half-zip fleece. MIAMI SUCKS!

Boston:  “Focus Group” 

Boston is doing the best at this.  The rest of the league has no good roster ideas.  Doc Rivers definitely flinched, and now he has to marry his mother-in-law.  

Philadelphia:  “The Day Robert Palins Murdered Me”

Joel Embiid knows what Philly fans want to see.  He’s the star, and everyone else should follow his lead.  Unfortunately, James Harden has his own ideas. All he wants is another chance at life; all he wants is to tell you about the night the skeletons came to life.  Embiid had a whole song wrote, and Harden is just fucking confused.

Cleveland:  “Little Buff Boys”

Jarrett Allen and Evan Mobley have heads of boys and bodies of men.  There’s no getting around that, no matter how *hard* you cut out the music.  Yes, they are a CROP, but it can’t be you, Robin Lopez.  You get why it can’t be you, Robin Lopez, right?

New York:  “River Mountain High” 

The New York Knicks are not a joke.  You don’t root for them ironically, like the Kings.  Do they come in any other styles?  No, not really.  It’s just the one–whatever Tom Thibodeau feels like doing that day, along with a second-round playoff exit.  Julius Randle is playing with the big boys.

Brooklyn:  “Del Frisco’s Double Eagle”

It would’ve been fair if Brooklyn had gotten to try everyone else’s dishes:  a healthy Kevin Durant, an engaged James Harden, a sane Kyrie Irving.  Instead, they’re stuck with Ben Simmons, and they’re not in the mood for the three hilarious waiter brothers because they forgot to win a title. 

Atlanta:  “The Man” 

Trae Young is a crying baby, and the rest of the league is the old man trying to get revenge on him.  That’s it.  That’s the joke.

Miami:  “Has This Ever Happened to You?”

The Heat played with the slowest pace in the league this year.  They’re not part of the Turbo Team!  The hoops at the Kaseya Center have been replaced by joke hoops with holes too small to suck down basketballs.  Jimmy Butler has a long offseason ahead of him, lying on the bed, reading his art books.

Chicago:  “Laser Spine Specialists” 

“You listen to me!  No.  More.  Scamming.  Bulls. Fans.  Into thinking that you can win with a midrange specialist as your number one option on offense!”  Or that all you need to do is fly Jeff Chris in from Indiana to fix things.  Or that Lonzo Ball is in your Q-zone.  How do you recover?  “Let me think for a minute!”

Toronto:  “Baby Shower”

Masai Ujiri tried to unload everything at the trade deadline this year:  Pascal Siakam, Stanzo brand fedoras, O.G. Anunoby, a thousand plastic meatballs, Fred VanVleet, fifty black slicked-back hair wigs.  All he managed to do was bring back Jacob Poeltl.  He did unload three draft picks in the deal; working in bulk at least made it worth it on his end.

Indiana:  “Grambles Lorelei Lounge”

When the Pacers made their trade to acquire Tyrese Haliburton from the Kings in early 2022, it looked like a steal.  A year later, and Pacers president of basketball operations Kevin Pritchard looked at the success Domantas Sabonis had with the Kings and said “I should’ve got that.”  As much as he can say that he’s just joking, we know that he’s just a scared little boy who never learned how to ask how to properly incorporate an all-NBA center into his roster.

Washington:  “Game Night”

Laura’s boyfriend Howie thinks the Wizards’ roster is very meat-and-potatoes–there’s nothing rare there at all.  Fortunately, he’s quite mature, as is Bradley Beal; they hang out discussing their favorites from the old days, like Roy Donk and Paul Bufano.  Beal has gotten quite cranky over the years from the lack of success in Washington, but Howie can help him out by sharing his Arizona walnuts with him.

Orlando:  “Baby of the Year”  

Paolo Banchero is the NBA’s Baby of the Year.  He had the best folds, the best rolls, the best toes, like so many curled canned shrimp.  Bart Harley Jarvis put up a good fight, but the bad boy of the competition couldn’t get it done.  Sadly for Paolo, he won’t stay a baby forever, idiot.

Charlotte:  “Instagram”

LaMelo Ball won best hog at the hog shit snarffing contest.  Does it mean anything, being the best hog, when you’re surrounded by bags of meat and total tuna cans?  Bae.

Detroit:  “Parking Lot”

Overheard in the Detroit front office:  “I don’t know what any of this shit is, and I’m fucking scared.”  “Not everybody knows how to do everything!”  “It does hurt, actually!”  “You don’t want to help me, you just want to yell.”  “Aaaaaughhhhh!!!”  

Denver:  “Dan Flashes”

The ABA merger documents are finally starting to look good for the Nuggets.  Mike Malone is a little tired, though; he’s been putting all of his money into complicated offenses that are his exact style.  The more the lines crisscross and the patterns overlap in the cuts that Jamaal Murray and Michael Porter Jr. make off of Nikola Jokic’s passes, the higher rated their offense is.  If that isn’t enough for him and he gets hungry, he’ll eat Doug Moe’s mom’s wig.

Memphis:  “Corncob TV” 

It’s always a lot of yelling and disrespect when Memphis is in town.  “We’re fine in the West.”  “I didn’t do fucking shit!  I didn’t rig shit!”  “He’s old.”  “They said that to me at a dinner.”  “I don’t respect no one until they come in and give me 40.”  “I’m done.  Do what you want.  Pull the plug.  I’ll kill you.”

Sacramento:  “Calico Cut Pants”  

You gotta give.  The system doesn’t work if you don’t give.  Domantas Sabonis?  He gives.  De’Aaron Fox?  He gives.  If nobody gives, the beam goes dark.  You gotta give.  HOLD THAT DOOR HOLD THAT DOOR!  

Phoenix:  “Choking”

The water doesn’t smell bad, Phoenix.  You just managed to not make it out of the second round of the playoffs with two all-time greats, a former number-one pick, and a thermonuclear scoring guard on your team.  Raise a toast, eat some poppers, it really doesn’t matter.  Caleb Went is not impressed.

LA Clippers:  “Friend’s Weekend”

Steve Ballmer saw what was going on this season with Kawhi Leonard and Paul George.  He sensed the tension, the discord.  There was only one way he could save the party, and that was by turning up the sound and bringing in Russell Westbrook.  All he managed to do was get Ballmer riled up and head for a first-round exit.  Russ did have the decency to explain himself on the way out:  “It’s ok, Ballmer, I’m not the Blues Brothers.”  He really does have a nice house, though.

Golden State:  “Diner Wink”  

Triples is best.  Triples is always best, whether it’s the insane amount of threes the Warriors are hoisting, or if it’s the old Steph/Klay/Dray triumvirate.  The Golden State dynasty is beautiful, but it’s dying.  But it’s gonna get better.  And Joe Lacob is rich.  And he doesn’t live in a hotel.   

LA Lakers: “Prank Show”

There’s too much shit on LeBron James.  Between trying to carry the Lakers to another title, being a father to a pair of future NBA stars, and living every day as a global icon, he did too much.  The foot kills.  The foot kills?  You wouldn’t know, would you?  Has he permanently turned into Karl Havoc, or will he rip the head off?  Stay tuned.

Minnesota:  “Claire’s”

Minnesota really wanted Rudy Gobert before the season started.  They had become more friends than lovers with the playoffs.  Marc Lore put Prince in a JibJab video to show to Alex Rordriguez.  “It’s not real, A-Rod, it’s a JibJab!”  KAT spends 10 minutes each day fake laughing so he has good memories to look back on in his NBA career.  Ain’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?

Oklahoma City:  “Tammy Craps”

Being under 200 lbs and playing in the NBA is like competing against five full-sized centers a day.  Players over 200 lbs have a body density that can withstand the low, low post play night in and night out.   Don’t put rocks in your pocket and lie about your weight just to play in the NBA, Chet Holmgren.  Stick to the Macanudos.

New Orleans:  “Wife Joke”  

I love Zion Williamson.  I shouldn’t have said the Pelicans would be better without him.  Zion helped the Pelicans when…actually, has Zion helped the Pels yet?  Brandon Ingram has stolen his role as the face of the franchise.  Zion has gotten off one line.  Granted, it was the best line, but we still need to see more out of him.  He’s not even staying the night.   Awwwww, man, he never stays the night!

Dallas:  “Bozo”

Mark Cuban was sad that everyone else in the league was having fun with their dynamic duos and superteams and inappropriate weathermen, so he tried to join in by trading for Kyrie Irving.  Instead, it left Luca Doncic saying to himself, “I’m not even supposed to be here.”  Or was it Kyrie saying that?  No one knows who did the dub.  Perhaps Cuban needs to head to The Capital Room to learn how to invest properly (just keep him away from that delicious wine).

Utah:  “Baby Cries”  

Teams can change.  Utah used to be Donovan Mitchell and Rudy Gobert and Mike Conley.  Sloppy steaks, living for New Year’s Eve.  Now they’re Lauri Markkanen and Walker Kessler and Collin Sexton.  Utah used to be Stockton and Malone.  Chicken spaghetti at Chickalini’s.  Let Lauri hold the ball.  Teams can change.  

Portland:  “Crashmore–Junket”

Damian Lillard would joke with Shaedon Sharpe about how being in the NBA is like a cosmic gumbo.  Dame signed an extension that guarantees him one hundred and twenty-two mil.  If he plays just two more seasons, they have to pay him that hundred and twenty-two mil.  Just don’t ask him his thoughts on tattoos.

Houston:  “A Christmas Carol”

It’s Christmas in the year 3050.  Bonies are slaughtering humans by the millions, taking their bones and using them to make more bone soldiers.  Freakin’ bonies!  Also in the year 3050?  Houston’s youth movement has come to fruition; the Rockets are playing on Christmas Day for the first time since 2019.  Until then for Houston fans, a bunch more bad stuff happened for the next century.  Crap dangit, this sucks!

San Antonio:  “Babysitter” 

The Spurs are kind of, like, nothing.  They’re just like not important, like they don’t matter.  They’re just like nooooothing.  Nobody should feel sad at all.  They’re deaaad.  If you keep asking questions about the Spurs, I’m gonna beat the crap out of you.  Get ready to be embarrassed.

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