You Really Do Want Boston.
This year’s Celtics are more sweetiepies than Jordan-esque psychopaths. Not exactly cool. However, they’re by far the best team in the league for reasons folks don’t quite realize. Let’s talk about it.
Firstly, I no longer buy “the east is broken and easy”. Like a lot of people I bought into this narrative because of all the injuries. Then it dawned on me: Boston is the best team in the league because they are the best at every facet of the game. Yes, they score at unprecedented rates of efficiency in the modern era (meaning the era after all the plumbers stopped playing against Bill Russell) but also they are prepared for the painful grind that is life in the NBA. Injuries and all. It is incredibly hard to be good year in and year out. (Just ask the Nuggets.) We all need to recognize how great this team is.
Yes, the Celtics are easy to ignore. Which is an improvement to their image because they used to be easy to hate. They dominated the league for the first decade and repeatedly throughout history. Kevin McHale was the ugliest basketball player of all time with one of the ugliest games. Larry Bird had a terrible mustache. Danny Ainge? Even Celtics fans find him abhorrent to look at his bitch face. Kendrick Perkins? How did he stay at ESPN and Jalen Rose get fired? Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo. Not national faves. Historically, as a fan, whenever I wear my Celtics gear I feel like this guy:
And look, I get it. Boston as a city does not have a great track record with racism. The Celtics? Pretty fucking good actually. First black player drafted. First black head coach. A lot of black players LOVED playing for the Celtics. As an organization, they are hardly perfect but they definitely chose winning over racism. I’m not here asking for pity. Please mock my Pierce jersey and talk about systemic racism. Just also, root for the C’s with me and KG.
The current Celtics team is not hateable. The national narrative is wrong. You should be rooting for them and it’s not too late. There are a few seats on the Celtics bandwagon.
Everyone keeps saying it’s so “easy” for the Celtics. They are where they are from long term care and keen basketball strategy beyond “Buy some marque veterans” or “Run your best players into the ground.” The even keeled response to the “easy” claim is that it is incredibly hard to build through the draft, bring in good (sturdy) vets, sustain an elite training staff and put in place a system that can endure change (including new head coaches). Pro basketball is multilayered and very hard. The Celtics are the best on every level. One of the many things that’s amazing about being a Celtics fan is sustained excellence. THIS IS NOT EASY. Being great for one season is hard. Being great year in and year out is nearly impossible. Here are a few more:
01 | Most of our players are not dead.This is not easy to do and it is not just luck. It starts by having our cornerstone stars, Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown, that are not one million years old.. Even our coach is younger than LeBron and Steph. This isn’t to say we are ageist. Our team features Handsome Al Horford.
02 | Tatum is clutch. Okay maybe he’s a little shaky in the fourth but compare his Game 7 vs the Sixers versus league darling Anthony Edwards Game 7 versus the Nuggs. (who we also love; we aren’t monsters). We, here at DIMES, also have superior memories and can’t remember how Tatum did last time he was in the NBA Finals.
03 | Derrick White is a two way stud. Also a greeeeeeat guy. See his recent film that got a standing ovation at Cannes.
04 | Porgzingis is now named Murph and upon his Finals return will be a legend. Boston *ahem* loves white people. We get it. But also Zinger’s redemption has been a delight. His career has been reinvigorated and he’s slowly morphing into someone I went to high school with.
05 | Al Horford is Handsome Yes, he is old but man oh man, he can still ball. Remember last year when he “okayed” Giannis into the ether? He’s such a good egg and he leads the league in handsomeness every year.
06 | Uncle KG and Uncle Pierce Their podcast is destination watching. KG makes up new slang every day. He’s calling Pierce “lord” lately. Anyone know why? Paul and I do not. Sure, Pierce is a bit of a troll these days (okay a big one) but these guys are great alumni. They love this franchise and have the rings to back it up.
07 | Celtics Alumni. Speaking of which…All the Knicks could do was parade John Starks at their games like he wasn’t 2-18 in his last championship game. It’s cute seeing old (ringless) Knicks courtside and all but championship uncs are the best. Celtics are going to bring out so many heavies, even Laker fans are going to hate them. On a personal level, I’ve been quite kind to the Knicks given my Massachusetts origins. I’ve certainly been kinder than KG. Y’all really happy to see Starbury? Really?
08 | Danny Ainge gets a lot of the credit and none of the rings. Admit it, even if you don’t like the Celtics, you’ll like this.
A caveat: there are no psychopaths on this team and that is not optimal. I am old. I like my basketball players to only care about winning. I want KG barking like a dog on defense. Chief punching evil men mid-court. Pierce coming back from getting stabbed way too soon to win games. Bird calling Dr J “old man” while draining three’s. These are the things I like to see. The worst thing you can say is that this year’s Celtics are a little too nice and maybe kinda boring. From Brad Stevens to Jayson Tatum to Luke Kornet…we could use some spiciness. Maybe this year they turn heel? Or they prove that sweetie pies can be champs? Maybe they can give Marcus Smart an honorary double technical.
Regardless, now is the time. Get on our level. The “We want Boston” folks about to get ‘em and we’ll do what we did to evvvvvvverybody else: play two great games, shit the bed for one, then phone in two more to barely win the series. Kyrie is, for sure, absolutely NOT going to hit a cross-over 3 in the Garden to win the series. (Please?)
