The Celtics Are Definitely Winning
The Celtics are going to beat the Mavericks and win the NBA championship for the 18th time in franchise history. My last prediction before this prediction was that the Timberwolves were going to be the first team to come back from being down 3-0. But my prediction before that was that the Celtics would beat the Pacers in 6 games. So, all things considered, I'm extremely confident that I am going to be right this time.
Before explaining why I am so confident that the Celtics are going to win, has anyone else thought that Luka Dončić's greatest contribution to Boston sports is that he, because of his particular physique of being 'less fit', 'less tall,' with no 'hops' and just otherwise 'slow', all the while arguably being the best player in the NBA, has helped vault Larry Legend, (Larry Bird to those not from Framingham), back into the top 5 basketball players of all time? Why? Because for the last 3 decades it has been hard to take seriously the idea that someone with Larry Bird's physique which was 'slow' with no 'hops', and who almost broke his back trying to cover Michael Jordan's crossover in the playoffs, was an all-time great. You just had to assume that he was in the era before Michael when the shorts were short, the mustaches weren't goatees, and the jump shots had just enough air between the bottom of his shoes and the floor that they weren't the set shots of the Tommy Heinsohn era. But Luka, and to a lesser degree Nikola Jokić (lesser in the sense that at 7 feet tall, it isn't as surprising he could be slow and still great), have shown that Larry Bird's non-athletic style of basketball can still lead you to greatness in today's uber-athletic NBA. Just a thought. Maybe you've all already had it.
Also, while we're on Luka, am I the only one who thinks the player he most reminds me of is James Harden? Dribble, dribble, dribble, dribble, hesitation crossover, dribble, dribble, another hesitation crossover, step-back, shoot or pass to the wide open man. He's not as good as Harden at flopping, but not because he isn't trying. Is someone going to try and fight me if I say that Jalen Brunson also has a lot of that game. Dribble, dribble...anyway.
So, why am I so confident in the Celtics? Jaylen Brown can talk about French philosophy and panopticons. He's ready to bad-ass his way into the NBA's pantheon of great NBA players who also talk French philosophy along with Bill Walton (I guess?), maybe Bill Bradley, and quite unlike his former teammate and current opponent, the famous anti-Pythagorean thinker himself, Kyrie Irving. Jaylen Brown can also play defense, shoot 3s, throw down tremendous dunks, and do basically everything but dribble with his left hand.
Jayson Tatum can most definitely dribble with his left hand. He also has an incredibly boring persona. No hot takes coming from JT. Why is that such an important predictor of the Celtics winning? Because if you look at the best players over the last decade on each of the winning teams, they've been pretty fucking boring in terms of their personalities and scandals. Draymond Green was definitely not the best player on his team in 2014-2015, it was Steph Curry. Boring choir boy! LeBron James? Kevin Durant Steph Curry again in 2017 and again in 2018? Boring choir boy! Kawhi Leonard, boring! Lebron James Anthony Davis, boring! Giannis, boring! Steph Curry and Nicola Jokiċ, boring! My theory is undefeatably full-proof!
You know who else is boring? Sam Hauser! With the most boring GM in the NBA, Brad Stevens, knowing the importance of having boring stars in winning NBA championships, he prioritized getting Hauser and it worked. Even if he almost blew it getting the unfortunately somewhat interesting Jrue Holiday this past year. (Quick google search...) That's not true about Holiday! He's a choir boy too! So is Al Horford! So is Luke Kornet! Does anyone on the Celtics even use profanity? Given the importance of boring players to winning championships, this could well go down as the greatest team in NBA history.
As for the Mavericks, they have Kyrie Irving. It does worry me a bit that they have Dwight Powell--a Stanford alum from Canada? Hard to top that for being boring.
Let's get more x and o's. Who is better, position by position?
Star: Tatum v Luka? Luka Jason fucking Tatum!
Robin: Brown v Kyrie? Kyrie Jaylen fucking Brown!
3rd guy: Holiday v Washington? Definitely Jrue Holiday.
Center: Porziņġis/Horford/Kornet v Lively/Gafford? Hmm... No doubt! Somewhat of a doubt, but never doubt Al fucking Horford!
Other guy in the starting five: Derrick fucking White for the win every single day. I don't even want to bother to look up who is the 5th starter for Dallas.
Coach: As a Cal fan, I'll never forget Jason Kidd saying when he first joined the NBA that he was going to turn his Mavericks team around "360 degrees". Proud Cal alum here.
Smartest former ex-Cal player: Brown v Kidd? Jaylen fucking panopticon talking Brown!
Best former player from history: Bill Russell v Dirk Nowitsky? C'mon! Siri, how many rings did Bill Russell win as a player? Eleven!
Best celebrity fan: Ben Affleck v Jamie Foxx? Ooohhh, that's a tough one...I do really like Jamie Foxx and honestly, I don't like Ben Affleck at all. He’s never at games. Honestly the biggest “celebrity” at Celtics is Donnie Wahlberg. Our Jack Nickelson is Donnie fucking Wahlberg. Give this one to the Mavericks.
Best really bad white rapper celebrity fan: Jack Harlow v Post Malone. Ooohhh, this is a tough one too because they both are so good at being horrible white rappers. But I do think Jack Harlow has a clear edge in being even more really bad than Post Malone. Could Post Malone be showing some actual talent in recent years? Big win for the C's here in sucking way harder on white rapper celebrity fans. Plus the C’s have the Wahlbergs. There's no stopping the C's on this one.
Best tv show or movie situated in its city: The Departed/Goodwill Hunting/The Town v Dallas/Dallas Buyers' Club. Clear win for Boston.
Reconsideration of best celebrity fan after realizing that the Town and Goodwill Hunting are Ben Affleck movies: Ben fucking Affleck!
Biggest question of strategy: if it comes down to the final shot in game 7 for the Mavs, who goes iso and takes the shot? Seriously! That's a moment I want to see just to see whether Luka defers to ultimate game 7 shot-maker Kyrie Irving on that one.
Prediction: Kyrie steals the ball from Luka, crosses over on Hauser, hits a 25 footer as the buzzer sounds in game 7 and does a slide motion with his hand across the Boston Garden floor to indicate that the world is flat Celtics in 5. Book it!
