Greatness, Inanity…NBA Season Awards
Some people are Billy Joel people. Some are Billie Eilish people, some Billy Crystal people. Good choices, all—but me, I’m a Billy Madison person. I’m not saying that Adam Sandler won the Mark Twain Prize for Humor solely on his work in “Billy Madison,” but I’m not not saying that, either. What better way to honor such a prestigious film than by naming an award after it (other than retroactively giving it the Oscar it sorely deserved)? To honor the best and the worst of the NBA season, we present to you the Billies, recognizing greatness, inanity, and everything in between. (Billy Cunningham, we see you in the back with your hand raised. Come back when you star in a cinematic masterpiece with Darren McGavin and Norm Macdonald. Oh, they’re both dead? Well, you had your chance.)
“Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.”
Forget unicorns—Victor Wembanyama is the blue duck this league has never seen before. We’re all grateful he has an experienced mentor
“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Part of this award goes to the Warriors for giving Jordan Poole a nine-figure extension in 2022, but the majority of it goes to the Wizards for looking at Poole and his contract and saying, yeah, we want in on that. Knowing that they’re on the hook for him until 2027 is rough; a simple “wrong” would’ve done just fine.
“1466. '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!”
Memphis used 50 different starting lineups this year, with 23 different players in their starting fives. You’ve got youngsters like GG Jackson in that bunch (good) to go along with oldsters (oldsters?) like Derrick Rose (not good) and all the others who were injured or traded or sick or dying or something. Miraculously for Steven Adams, he was traded without playing a game for the Grizz this year, and he’ll be free to set sail from Houston next year as part of the New Zealand Armada.
“Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?”
“Maybe later”
Speaking of Houston, the Rockets look like they figured things out in the second half of the season. Alperen Sengun and Jalen Green will be a dynamic duo to be feared in the West for the next several years. Just be sure to keep Boban Marjanovic away from the buckets.
“Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.”
This iteration of Denver beat Boston to a championship, and thus plays the role of shampoo here. The Joker doesn’t have much hair, so he’s intending on skipping the conditioner and going for a lather/rinse/repeat. We’re all the swans here, simply appreciating the battle.
“Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll!”
The bottom half of the Eastern Conference is…sorry, I fell asleep typing that sentence. I just covered Washington’s Jordan Poole problem five minutes ago, and I already forgot they existed. Could an all-star team (and I use that term as loosely as possible) made of players from Chicago, Atlanta, Brooklyn, Toronto, Charlotte, Washington, and Detroit beat Boston? Who on that monstrosity of a team cracks the Celtics’ starting five? That sounds like its own article, which I am in no way going to write.
“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
Consider this a lifetime achievement award for Paul Pierce—his performance in Game 1 of the 2008 Finals was cooler than cool
“For the love of God! Cherish it!”
The Warriors are dead. Long live the Warriors. Love them or hate them (mostly hate them), Golden State has dominated the last decade. Steph, Klay, and Dray will be gone soon, and it’ll only be a matter of time before we forget how disgusting Steph’s mouth guard was, how smooth Klay was in his prime, and how godawful Dray could be at his worst.
“Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?”
Clay Bennett. Or Art Modell. Or John Fisher. Bennett and Fisher have Art propped up Weekend-at-Bernie’s style, feeding him sandwiches, all the while blaming it on that damned Sasquatch.
“It was tough for me, so BACK OFF!”
Scoot Henderson had a rough 2023 and 2024. A lot of us did. Let’s just give everyone a little grace and a little space, and we can all find our own giant invisible penguin to frolic with in better days.
