This is WAR
My brothers and I played lots of games growing up. There were vicious battles in every venue imaginable: HORSE, Monopoly, euchre, Trivial Pursuit (the ongoing debate about the difference between a shotgun and a rifle still rages to this day). I had to have my two front teeth rebuilt after a game of one-on-one.
We had our share of made-up games and diversions, including a dice-based WWF simulator and a proto-version of Six Degrees of Separation that centered around the 80s sitcom Charles in Charge. We also made up new ways to play old games. One of our favorites was to play War with the red cards in the game Apples to Apples.
(Brief explanation of the original game: A green card with an adjective [happy, sullen, boisterous] is placed before a group of players, and they must choose from among the red cards in their hand which one most exemplifies the adjective in the eyes of the judge for that round. Red cards include celebrities, places, common objects, and all-encompassing entities like Planet Earth or the Universe.)
Apples to Apples: War was based around a time-tested way to have fun: arguing. We would each play a card from our hand and have to debate which would win. "Win" in this context had multiple possibilities. A simple physical battle between the two would be both too easy (in the case of Bette Davis vs. Sylvester Stallone) and also impossible in many cases (how does a pencil fight 1860s America?). In order to decide each contest, we would look at the totality of the conflict, in an amorphous and always-shifting manner. Who's cooler? Who had more of a lasting cultural impact? Who sucks? Where would you rather spend a day or a year or a lifetime? Whose presence would be missed more if they were disappeared It's-a-Wonderful-Life-style?
As we discovered, this version of War was not limited to Apples to Apples--it could be played at any time or place, given enough battle combatants, which brings us to today's tournament: who's winning the NBA War this year? Of course, on-court prowess is a factor here, but so are mascots, the cities and states where the teams reside, and any number of wild cards that show up along the way. Let's get to it, and if you have any quibbles with the decision process here, blame my brothers (I'll be taking on both sides of the debate in each instance, but rest assured that I'll be impartial [except when I'm not] and that my decision is always the right one [except when it isn't]).
(Note: the correct answers for the examples above are Bette Davis and pencils. If you need further explanation, please contact the Editor-in-Chief for details.)
The East
Round 1
Orlando vs Cleveland
Would you rather spend a week at Universal Studios or a week in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Would you rather hang out with Tony Orlando or Grover Cleveland? Would you rather eat twenty pierogis or drink a gallon of orange juice? Things were sounding pretty even until that last one.
Winner: Cleveland in 6
Philadelphia vs New York
This is an old-fashioned brawl. Everything that Philly has, New York has the same, but more of it--museums, food, loud people, underachieving Hall-of-Fame-caliber centers. When in doubt, remember that Tom Thibodeau has been salivating over being in a playoff series during a season where it takes a broken leg for a foul to be called.
Winner: New York in 5
Indiana vs Milwaukee
Laverne and Shirley or Leslie Knope? Call me a sucker for recency bias and a good underdog story. Giannis has his ring--let the Pacers have their upset.
Winner: Indiana in 7
Miami vs Boston
Jimmy Buckets is dead, long live Jimmy Buckets. If Miami wins a game here, call this a minor miracle. Also, and just as important, look at how poorly Ace Ventura has aged. Unless Rita Moreno is involved in some unforeseen scandal decades from now, no one is going to wince while watching 80 for Brady.
Winner: Boston in 4
Round 2
Indiana vs New York
Really? Really? If you're on Let's Make a Deal and have a trip in hand to Indianapolis, you're trading that in for a shot at the Big Deal ten times out of ten. But those tickets to see Hamilton on Broadway? You're not risking that just to end up with some ugly patio furniture and a grill you're never going to use.
Winner: New York in 4
Cleveland vs Boston
I grew up living just outside of Cleveland when I was a kid. (In Ohio, being an hour away from some place qualifies as being "just outside of" there.) In eighth grade I wrote a report about the history of the Boston Celtics. I did not write a report about the history of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Their history has since been amended to include LeBron James, true, but it also includes Anthony Bennett and DeSagana Diop and Craig Ehlo and Waiters Island. Did I mention quarterbacks? Oh God don't get me started on quarterbacks...
Winner: Boston in 4
Conference Finals
New York vs Boston
On paper this looks like the New York/Philly battle, with the Big Apples ready to topple another Eastern Corridor pretender. But there are cracks in the armor. As good as New York cheesecake is, Boston Cream Pie is better. The final episode of Cheers delivered in ways that the Night Court finale never did. And finally, it's the Knicks. Put them in a big series against Charlotte or Washington or another team with an even worse recent history, and they have a chance. But the Celtics aren't the Hornets, and the Knicks are doomed to find that out.
Winner: Boston in 5
The West
Round 1
Phoenix vs Minnesota
Hot or cold? Minnesota Nice or Arizona Crazy? Mosquitos or scorpions? Prince or...well, that's it--Prince wins it here for Minny. (In our old games of War, the Universe had to be removed from the deck, as it was too powerful for any other cards to contend with. Does Prince give Minnesota the same edge? We'll find out soon enough.)
Winner: Minnesota in 5
LA Lakers vs Denver
John Denver. Denver omelet. Bob Denver. I love Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone as much as the next guy, but La La Land has nothing on that triumvirate.
Winner: Denver in 5
Dallas vs LA Clippers
There's a pretty easy rule to follow that says the second-best anything from a city isn't beating the first-best anything from another city. I totally just made this rule up, and that's how the game is played, folks.
Winner: Dallas in 5
New Orleans vs Oklahoma City
Representing New Orleans is Herb Jones, a defensive stopper who frustrates offenses to no end. Representing Oklahoma City is Forgetful Jones, whose inability to remember the lyrics to "Oklahoma!" frustrated his director (played adroitly by Kermit the Frog) to no end. It ain't easy bein' green, but it's easier dealing with the Pelicans sans Zion.
Winner: Oklahoma City in 4
Round 2
Minnesota vs Denver
If you read my playoff preview, you know that I picked Denver to win it all. I could easily find some way to rig these matchups to make sure it happens again here, but the cards don't lie. Sometimes it's a matter of simple substitution--watching Prince irritate the Skipper on a weekly basis would be infinitely more entertaining than listening to Gillian stumble his way through "Little Red Corvette" (if you heard him sing in Harold Hecuba's Hamlet, you'll understand).
Winner: Minnesota in 7
Dallas vs Oklahoma City
Dallas had an easy go of it last round merely by not having a second team in its city. This matchup, though, they're in trouble due to another definitely-pre-existing rule that I'm not just making up now: Never pick the team with the craziest person on the court, even if that person hasn't don't anything all that crazy this year, which means he's due for something extra-stupid in the playoffs, even if his uber-talented teammate scores 50 a game in a series. Sorry, Luka.
Winner: Oklahoma City in 7
Conference Finals
Minnesota vs Oklahoma City
I guess there's a thing now with Oklahoma onion burgers having their moment. I went to college in Minnesota, so I can speak to the great variety of hotdishes that exist in this world. A good taco hotdish beats an awful lot of things, and it can be made with or without onions. The reason onions keep coming up here? I grew up with an onion-hating brother. I grew out of it. He didn't. (I'm not picking on him here--had one of the playoff teams been from France, my absolute distaste for mushrooms would be front and center.) In deference to him, the Thunder are dying on their oniony hill.
Winner: Minnesota in 7
The Finals
Minnesota vs Boston
Do you prefer the younger version of Kevin Garnett, an athletic freak who put up big numbers every night, or do you prefer older Kevin Garnett, who leaned into Ubuntu and won a title (which seems even impressive having seen the rest of Doc Rivers's coaching career)? Stats are nice, but flags fly forever.
Winner: Boston in 6
And there you have it. You can argue with me all you'd like, but you can't argue with the cars.
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